1847 Makuahine Place
Honolulu, Hawaii, 96817
December 1, 2009
Honolulu Police Department801 South Beretania StreetHonolulu, HI 96813
Dear Head Chief Police of Hawaii,
The police of Hawaii has done a pretty great job in protecting the lives’ of people and our Hawaii. I have seen it when they direct traffic and on the news when they have helped turn in criminals and save people’s lives.
However I was very disappointed when a team of police came to Best buy, Kalihi on November 27, 2009 around 3:00 am.
This was my second time camping out at Best Buy Kalihi and I thought it was going to be a peaceful and good one just like last year. Just my luck; It was pouring rain, it was really cold and the line was really long. The usual long line was backed up all the way to the U-Haul company parking lot which is located on the far right of Best Buy. I remember a lady from the U-Haul company complained and yelled to us customers that we were trespassing. About 15 minutes later a cop came and yelled at us in the meanest way to get off U-Haul company property or he will fine us $100. I was alarmed by the cop’s attitude and the result he caused because of it. After the cop yelled at us the 200 people after us in the line ran through the front and cut in front of people like my family and I. People started yelling and fighting and the line wasn’t organized anymore. People were getting mad and it almost felt as if a riot were about to happen. More cops came and fed off the same attitude towards us. They all yelled and gave us attitude and told us to move. The line was getting worst and more people started to grumble.
I watched just like the others, a brave local/Japanese-Hawaiian looking man go up to the cops to talk to them. I was right in front of the conversation; This brave man asked these cops nicely to help them fix the lines and commotion that they started. I remember a tall, Caucasian police man yelling at the Best Buy customer in the rudest way “NO!, Were cops we only deal with criminal! Were not here to regulate and fix lines!!! That is not our job were criminal not lines!” I was alarmed by the way he spoke to a man that spoke to him nicely and calm. 10 minutes later the brave, local man goes up to the same cop and a group of new ones to ask politely again. This time A tall, buff, African American cop goes up to the man and for a moment I felt afraid for his life. The cop went up to him as if he were going to hurt him and I was really scared for him. This cop yelled at the man as well as if this man were stupid and deaf. Eventually the brave man fixed the problem himself and the 200 people that cut in front of the line went back to the back in the line. The commotion, fighting, and grumbles have stopped but without the police men’ help.
I was shocked and disappointed at these police men’s behavior. They have caused a problem and didn’t even bother to fix it. They were being rude, ignorant and mean towards the customers of Best Buy and I feel that it is unacceptable. Cops are here to help problems! This was a big problem at Best Buy which they caused and didn’t bother to fix. A riot or a death could’ve happened but these cops didn’t bother to help.
I know and hope that not all policemen aren’t as ignorant and disrespectful but these cop’s behavior were unacceptable.
Sincerely,
Cynthia Cuestas
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Elloo Cynthia !
ReplyDeleteGreat job on your rough draft post !
I was really drawn into your situation at best buy because you put a lot of thought and voice into your letter. I know that you were or are very concerned about this manner because you point out every everything that happened in a well detailed strong voice.
Examples: "About 15 minutes later a cop came and yelled at us in the meanest way to get off U-Haul company property or he will fine us $100. " and your conclusion was very strong with how you felt "...They were being rude, ignorant and mean towards the customers of Best Buy and I feel that it is unacceptable. Cops are here to help problems!..."
I also liked your word choice to describe your emotion of your concern. For example "ignorant and disrespectful", "commotion, fighting, and grumbles", "tall, buff, African American"
Some things you need to work on is the beginning. I was quite confused when you said camped out? "...This was my second time camping out at Best Buy Kalihi..." Was this black friday? Or was it like a special event? You should include what the special occasion of camping out was to the reader.
You should also remember to put comma's in the appropriate letter or it sounds a little off. For example "..at us the 200 people after us..."
Ooooh and lastly there are some sentences that can be worded better because it sounds too weak. For example "The cop went up to him as if he were going to hurt him and I was really scared for him".
Other than that goood job ! and good luck on your final :)
<3,
daphnejayne
Wow, cynthia you really step it up on this assignment.
ReplyDeleteI really feel that you could use a little help on your organization. You went from PRO CON CON CON and ended with the situation on a bad note. You want to help you and get feed back, so go back and forth and be polite with some of the paragraphs.
You also have some grammar error like "...I have seen it when they direct traffic and on the news when they have helped turn in criminals and save people’s lives..." I think it could be reworded better. You have to reread your post cz you have some punctuation errors like "..protecting the lives’ of people and our Hawaii..." I dont think you need the "'" by the lives.
Youve detailed a lot of things in this letter. When you describe all the ethnicities in the customers, thats good. But some of the words you use can stir up a lot of commotion. You can't used words like "ignorant, rude, and mean" it sound too childish as if you can handle the situation. So just hold off on the words and replace them with more "calmer" words.
I like how you showed what they specifically said and it creates a image on how mean they said it.
Overall just tweek it a little you should be fine.
-Micah Bulosan
Hi Cynthia,
ReplyDeletePretty good job on your angry letter. You have some specific concerns and provide details to describe them.
Your teammates made some good comments for revision: Daphne Jayne's suggestion about giving a specific date for the event and Micah's comment about your word choice. Rather than calling people "ignorant, rude, and mean" let your examples show this. That way, instead of offending your audience, you will get them to come to the same conclusions through evidence.
My last comment on content deals with the mention of ethnicities. Is that necessary to the issue you are describing? It doesn't seem as if your concern is racial, so I would leave out the ethnicities. If not, you audience may get the wrong impression and think you are saying something you are not.
Last area is mechanics: your teammates were accurate when they talked about the problems with mechanics. There are subject-verb agreement errors, faulty parallels, and some punctuation errors. Those will need to be corrected in the final as all letters need to be virtually error free before they are mailed.
mrs s